Mix a Cocktail

I trawled through various cocktail recipe sites wondering what to make - a Harvey Wallbanger? A Sex on the Beach? A Slow Comfortable Screw? Then I decided I couldn't be bothered with recipes and just went to the shop to see what booze and mixers I could find, and came back with this.

From left to right: Jaffa Cake flavour Cactus Jack's, Apple flavour Cactus Jack's, Shloer fizzy grape juice, Irn Bru, cheap-ass vodka.

A classy set of ingredients, I think you'll agree.

The first combination I tried was Apple Cactus Jack's , vodka and Shloer. They went into the cocktail shaker (acquired for 99p from Home Bargains! Score!) added some ice, and started shaking.

The cocktail shaker exploded.

Still, what didn't go on the floor was nice and drinkable, in a fruity kind of way. I then tried Jaffa Cake Cactus Jack's, vodka and Irn Bru.

Again, the cocktail shaker exploded.

At this point it occurred to me that maybe you shouldn't put fizzy drinks in a cocktail shaker.

Still, a fair amount of it went into a glass.

A cocktail needs a quirky, possibly smutty name. I call it the Embarrassing One Night Stand With An Estonian Lorry Driver.

One trip to the corner shop later, and I'd got some orange juice to replace the fizzy drinks as a mixer. Next was Apple Cactus Jack's, vodka and orange juice. This time the cocktail shaker didn't explode.

Despite looking like flourescent ectoplasm, it tasted good. I call it the Awkward Moment When You Realise You've Made a Joke About Death in Front of a Grieving Relative.

And finally, Apple Cactus Jack's, Jaffa Cake Cactus Jack's and orange juice.

It tasted like....well, like orangey, appley, jaffa cakey drink, quite frankly. I call it They Were Both Poisoned, I Spent The Last Few Years Building Up an Immunity To Iocane Powder.


*hic*